Kota Kinabalu

I just had a blessed weekend. One of the best, I would consider, ever.
Late Saturday afternoon, I left Hong Kong for Kota Kinabalu, Sabah.
After a 3 hour flight, it took us only 45 minutes to get to the resort where we feasted on a Asian Buffet dinner at the Shangri La's Rasa Ria Cafe right on the beachfront. The sambal kangkong was cooked fresh for us, while we tucked into cornflake prawns, chicken satays, fried rice with pinches of sambal belachan when desired and washed it all down with calamansi juice. I love Malaysian cuisine.
Right next to the restaurant sat a Live Band neighbouring a well-stocked bar facing the ocean, with rattan umbrellas and bar stools. While music seranaded the sky, we sat there drinking our whisky sodas listening to the crash of the waves in the distance. A handsome half moon was out so the stars made their guest appearance too.
With tummies full and happily intoxicated, we adjourned back to our rooms to discover the beauty of our new Ocean Wing suites. Fitted with everything one might need in their personal haven, we sipped vodka shots on our balcony overlooking the glorious pool and glazed out to the sea.
The next afternoon, after a hearty brunch, we lazed by the kidney shaped pool and had foot massages. Swam in the sun and dropped into the spa for a traditional massage before setting our eyes on one of the most beautiful sunsets ever. As we walked along the beach, discovering nature and marveling over the corpse of a jellyfish, deep oranges, baby blues and all of dusk's shades filled the heavens. By the time we walked back to our room and filled the bath tub on the verandah, the Moon showered the waters with light and we looked into the dark mysterious distance as our muscles relaxed into the warm bubbles.
And once we were ready, room service staff prepared a candle lit dinner for us on the mezzanine and we savoured our local delights with glee.
Then Adrian, our guide, brought us down to the Tambalang river where the Bajao people live, to climb onboard a sampan which took us along the river bed in search of fire flies.
As I looked ahead and saw the tree glow with little freckles of light, I found it hard to contain my excitement and awe. Anil, the boat man cupped a few of them (skillfully and delicately) to show us what they looked like normally and I was surprise to find it reminded me of the tip of a thin red and black matchstick. We were extremely lucky, our guides said, as they had never seen so many fireflies on one night ever. And we felt exhilarated, digesting how fortunate we were to experience Mother Nature's wonder in it's full glory.
After about an hour on the water, we headed back to have fresh coconut juice and local treats in a typical Bajao home. I even tried my hand at making a delicious Bajao fritter on the stove and got to see how the locals live in their kampongs.
We sat together on the floor to chat and eat and exchange cultures and jokes. And when he heard thunder in the background, we knew it was time to head back to call it a night. The drive back featured padi fields and vast farmland and we talked about adventures of Mount Kinabalu.

The following morning started early with Kathy the Orang Utan. We had a private meeting and I got to cradle Kathy, gander at her hands, study her expressions and share some energy with the young ape. It was magical. Then we watched as she fed while swinging and trimming through the trees, scrutinising the branches and plucking fruit. As we blew her kisses and trekked out of the forest, we headed to the beach where Kimmy and Adrian were waiting for us with 4 ATVs.
After we put on our helmets and went through necessary safety briefings, we revved our engines and sped toward the swamps to ride through jungle. Since it had rained overnight, the ride was very muddy and we got stuck a few times and had to be pulled out of the rut but we braved on and were rewarded with Sabah coffee and banana fritters at the village cafe on the other side. As we washed our faces and braced ourselves for another motor trail, we looked down the river just to admire the view and the mountains by the horizon. East Malaysia is stunning.
We rode our ATVs to the beach where we fishtailed in the sand and raced along the water's edge.
Our need for speed blew wind threw our hair and kissed our faces with warm exhilaration.
And then, we threw off our helmets, peeled off our layers and dived into the cool comfort of the pool. We swam away the mud, the heat, the aches and the stings of the afternoon and quenched our thrist with fresh calamsi juice and ice lemon tea with plum seeds.
We floated in silence, thinking about the events of the day with deep fulfillment and gratitude.

Next, we went for a drive around the base of Mount Kinabalu. Just for the incredibe views and to look at local villages and east malaysian houses. The villages are so multi racial there that pagans and Christians live right next to each other and Muslim homes can be seen right next to Catholic churches. All flowing alongside harmoniously. Families set up stalls right by the roadsides selling anything from durians to rambutans and whatever fruits their gardens reep. There are even hot springs in the area but we decided to leave that indulgence for another trip.
I tried a local dish called Hinava which is Sabah's version of markerel carpaccio. It is civeched in lemon juice, ginger, chili, shallots and lemongrass and it is extremely tasty.

And finally, true to Singaporean style, on the way to the airport, we stopped by the Town's Pasar Malam food market and gorged on ikan bakar and udang bakar, accompanied by bbq chicken heart, liver and wings. If we had stayed to discover the rest of the market, it would have set us back another day so we tore ourselves away and dutifully went to the airport.
Our flight was delayed an hour so we sat at the coffeeshop, glad to have more time to enjoy KK just by drinking Sabah Milk tea.
As we pulled off the runway, I inhaled deeply and thanked my lucky stars along with the angels and goddesses and higher beings, and bid farewell to KK as the lights of an incredible place faded into the nightsky.

Mean Girls.

As she sat there listening, in shock, to what this girl was saying to her, various thoughts crossed her mind.
"Is this for real?"
"Are you just going to sit here and let this girl talk to you like this?"
"Some people have such nerve! Or are just plain suicidal!"
Rachel kept her composure and let Shiat ramble on about how unhappy she observed Rachel to be lately. Knowing full well that the only thing she had been displeased about was the fact that Shiat had been nick picking on her the last few encounters due to her own insecurities.
"It's just that I am highly intuitive and I notice you have not been happy." Shiat claims.
Rachel bites down on her lip but resists the urge to reveal that the only thing Rachel has been holding back is retaliating to Shiat's lame attempts to provoke her.
"Thank you for your concern, but I am doing rather well actually and as much as I appreciate you offering up your therapists number, I don't think I need someone else to advise me on how to live and enjoy my life." Rachel graciously comments.
Shiat proceeds to lay it on Rachel, stating how unsuccessful she has been with finding the right man, how worn out she has been looking, and how quiet her career has gone.
Rachel takes a deep breath in, as she does when she meditates and on her exhale, releases all the negativity this conversation has brought upon her. She finds some polite reason to excuse herself and then takes a moment to center herself and her thoughts.
Rather stunned by the audacity, Rachel gathers herself and heads off for yoga practice. After her usual daily asana, she meditates and chants a little, assuring herself that compassion and understanding overcomes all issues, even stubborn little ones in denial. Karma is powerful and rears it's head naturally in time, it is not for her to teach others' lessons they themselves cannot learn.
Rachel knows that if she reacts badly to these lame attempts of jealously and maliciousness, it puts her down there on that childish, immature, insecure level and she has worked too hard on her spirituality and self respect to allow it to come crashing down alongside Shiat's bad intentions.
Rachel decides she will wait, and observe and trust that the truth will eventually reveal itself.

Emotional Vomit.

I just can't put my finger on it.
I am back to this same dead end. And I feel like shit.
Take another little piece of my heart. Really.
I'm that miserable, self-doubting lonesome self again. The one who counts minutes and jumps at the sound of an incoming text message. The one that starts questioning personal values and turns on innocent little habits. There is just so much fear.
And all I can think of is fight the fear, do what's right. And yet sometimes even that turns out to be too much. I have spun myself into this dark cocoon and I am so afraid as the light diminishes.
I am constantly questioning myself. Frightened that I am turning into someone I don't want to be. I have doubted my self worth so much that I am even unaware of bad things being done to me. I justify bad behavior unnecessarily for others.
And yet there are times when I tell myself I should have just shut up. There have been tons of times when my careless comments have hit one or two below the belt. But I've always been a very frank person and I believe straight-forwardness is unrated.
I am drawn to people who are quick-witted and bluntly humorous. Which also means they are mildly neurotic and incredibly free-spirited. They gypsy through life as I do and understand the concept that lifestyle is a state of mind.
Mind you, I have also been very attracted to the clean cut, nerdy, workaholic Daddy's Golden Child few, who I must admit was one of the 'types' that broke my heart a bit.
So I associate the "Business Men" to be Club Swinging, Russian kissing, White Shirt uniform party goers who only use their women for physical reasons and thrive on their own testosterone and Daddy's approval.

So there....I have vented. And yes I feel better. And maybe now I can go to sleep and dream of the tattoo exhibition I attended today.
Well...wait on that, I will blog that experience with pictures...real soon.

Namaste.

Lost

You come to realize eventually that things just have to run their course.
And you start to learn fast that you have to let it go and flow with it.
I always find I compromise my pride and question my dignity which frustrates me and makes me feel like I am still running this hamster wheel in a rat race.
I find that patterns are hard to break. And I am put right back in a situation I was trying so hard to get out of. I feel I have not learn the lesson in some aspect I fail to see, or refuse to. I am trying my best to stay aware, do good, keep positive and run my course. But I am still in this strange maze which always leads me right back to 'being lost'.
I know I am unbalanced. And my priorities need to be re-evaluated. But I also know that living the life I have lived so far, it is difficult to understand, or even start to think about, the psychological frenzy that goes on in my head. To begin with, I have never really felt AT HOME anywhere. I have lived and seen SO many cities. Loved, lived and lusted in each of them but I have never really had anywhere I could really go home to. I have boxes of clothes, kitchenware, art, furniture in Australia, Bali, Hong Kong, Singapore but mostly memories and decorations that remind me of a certain time frame of my past. I have yet to own a place I can fill with 'trophies' of my excursions around the world and large hanging candles I plan to buy from Fremantle markets... And the reason I have not rooted myself is simply because I am still undecided.
So it is obvious to see you are whatever you focus on. I feel lost often, in my life, wondering if I'm going the right way. Worried if I've upset or hurt anyone along the way. But I am mainly lost because I am undecided. And once I put my foot down and claim what I deserve, all will fall into place. And I can plant my feet. And reach for the heavens.
Namaste.

Can I get a witness?

THIS IS WHY!!!

Countdown to Bloomday

It's an hour and a half away from my birthday and I am sitting in my room at the Langham Hotel reminiscing about this exact moment in time last year when I was in Bali.
I was in Parta's house, watching a movie..gosh I wish I could remember which one now but at this moment, I am watching "Lipstick Jungle" for the record. Parta was outside in his kitchen on his laptop and smoking shishah and we had no plans to leave the house. My party was planned for the 10th so I thought I'd rest up til then. A few people mentioned that I shouldn't wait and suggested I start partying at the stroke of midnight but I was feeling rather depressed from some unexpected news I had received days before and just wanted to be alone.
Well now I am alone, an hour away from the bewitching hour and stunned to be in this predicament. The same disappointed and lonely feeling. At least last year, in Parta's home, the sweet darling pulled the power at midnight. I came storming out of the living area, part pissed for being interrupted from the movie (damn which movie was it?), and part scared since it was pitch dark to see what had happened. And there he was, with a bday cake and some candles :) and the glow off his cheeky face was priceless. He sang a little birthday song for me and I was actually moved to tears. I did a little child-like wiggle and dance and grinned like a school girl while I blew the candles out. After a few pictures and thank you hugs, in my blue urban outfitters overalls, I went back on the couch and finished my movie. Feeling absolutely joyous and blessed to have God-sent Parta and suddenly totally aware of how absolutely lucky I was to be in Bali at that very second. To be laying in the Island of the Gods.
Today, I am in Hong Kong. My mind is on a different dimension and I am so confused, I feel like my brain is going to explode. I am running all these memories through my head and feel like a ton of bricks. I know I need to vent but I also need to let most of it go as none of it is within my control and I must let the Universe take it's course. I guess because it's going to be my birthday, it signifies another whole year gone by and time feels like it's running out. I guess my lesson this year is patience and BOY it's driving a hard lesson!
The last month has given me some insight on my past. Lessons I am reminded of and rules I have so carelessly broke. Toxic patterns that has brought me around uptown, downtown and to motown and then the same dead end. And I guess what makes it worst is most of the time, I knew. I was aware. It was almost premeditated. So here I am, contemplating over all ways I have sabotaged myself in this last year.
SO I thought "What better time than to document this head fuck?" Why not blog it and let someone else read how you sadly anticipated your birthday. After this whole hour, I would have gotten enough off my chest to welcome in the next 'digit label' year of the rest of my life.
But I shall not. Instead I will think of how lovely my tomorrow will be.
Tomorrow I am doing Anusara yoga to start off my day with one of the best teachers from Pure Yoga, Patrick Creeman. I have to swing by the agency after for a casting and then I feel like booking a massage, if not swing by an art exhibition in the convention centre.
Then Ren, Erika and I are having dinner at Azure in LKF hotel before my party at Dragon I, thrown and hosted by my sweet Tai Lo, GY!! I chose the theme "Pink Mao Mao returns to DI" so all the old school crew will be there to party it up like the good old times.
I will be radiant and well rested and celebrating life the best way I know how to.
All my dreams have yet to come true.
Happy Birthday to Me.
:)

Typhoon once again!

Yet another typhoon in Hong Kong. Yet another chance to snuggle indoors, stock up on the junk food and catch up on movies.
Unfortunately, all my typhoons in Hong Kong (and Taiwan-come to think of it), I have spent all alone.
In my dreams, I picture wild winds, heavy rains and flying billboards outside but me all tucked up in front of the TV, warm and dry, blissed out and content indoors. Curled up next to my partner, whispering sweet nothings and stealing lusty kisses while thanking our lucky stars we are not fighting the torrential rains outside.
The hard truth is, that has yet to happen. The truth is, fate has it that I have to deal with typhoons alone. Fate says "no romantic typhoons" for you Charm.
Even with your positivity and optimism, this is the one indulgence I cannot have just yet.
The universe kindly tells me that I am already lucky to be stranded in a hotel where the gym is one floor above me and room service is at my beck and call but my heart cannot luxuriate and my body cannot coddle in the warmth of another.
I use the saying "God is fair" often. I even believe it wholly. But God sometimes has a sick sense of humor. And although I trust that He has big plans for me, I often feel frustrated when my wishes are not granted.
As I write this, the winds outside increase suddenly and wind pounds angrily on my windows, as if a sign to say "why are you speaking this way?" ..."why can you not see the gifts I have already provided?".
I suddenly feel guilt. I feel like I ask for too much.
But all I ask for is Love. And companionship. And someone who will tell me that it's OK to want to share joy with another.
I do not think I am deprived because I have not given enough or not loved enough. Often, I am clueless as to why I am still in this lonely situation. Why I cannot divvy all I have in my heart with someone else, even though i am willing. Why am I always missing, wishing, craving, yearning?
Rain always makes me think. Always make me lonely. Reminds me of those days in Bali. Reminds me of Mary J. Blige's song "Rainy Dayz". Pains me.
Makes me want to run the streets, soaked and crying. Makes me question and doubt.
One the other hand, it makes me soft and thoughtful. Makes me go all romantic.
Makes me think of sweet kisses in the rain and romantic exclamations.
I am drunk. I have had one too many vodka sodas which i started as the typhoon signal was hoisted hours ago. As a rebellious act, to drown my sorrows.
What else are we suppose to do in a typhoon, alone? How else is there to feel better about being stuck indoors by yourself?
I am going to pour myself another one....right now.