Emotional Vomit.

I just can't put my finger on it.
I am back to this same dead end. And I feel like shit.
Take another little piece of my heart. Really.
I'm that miserable, self-doubting lonesome self again. The one who counts minutes and jumps at the sound of an incoming text message. The one that starts questioning personal values and turns on innocent little habits. There is just so much fear.
And all I can think of is fight the fear, do what's right. And yet sometimes even that turns out to be too much. I have spun myself into this dark cocoon and I am so afraid as the light diminishes.
I am constantly questioning myself. Frightened that I am turning into someone I don't want to be. I have doubted my self worth so much that I am even unaware of bad things being done to me. I justify bad behavior unnecessarily for others.
And yet there are times when I tell myself I should have just shut up. There have been tons of times when my careless comments have hit one or two below the belt. But I've always been a very frank person and I believe straight-forwardness is unrated.
I am drawn to people who are quick-witted and bluntly humorous. Which also means they are mildly neurotic and incredibly free-spirited. They gypsy through life as I do and understand the concept that lifestyle is a state of mind.
Mind you, I have also been very attracted to the clean cut, nerdy, workaholic Daddy's Golden Child few, who I must admit was one of the 'types' that broke my heart a bit.
So I associate the "Business Men" to be Club Swinging, Russian kissing, White Shirt uniform party goers who only use their women for physical reasons and thrive on their own testosterone and Daddy's approval.

So there....I have vented. And yes I feel better. And maybe now I can go to sleep and dream of the tattoo exhibition I attended today.
Well...wait on that, I will blog that experience with pictures...real soon.

Namaste.

Lost

You come to realize eventually that things just have to run their course.
And you start to learn fast that you have to let it go and flow with it.
I always find I compromise my pride and question my dignity which frustrates me and makes me feel like I am still running this hamster wheel in a rat race.
I find that patterns are hard to break. And I am put right back in a situation I was trying so hard to get out of. I feel I have not learn the lesson in some aspect I fail to see, or refuse to. I am trying my best to stay aware, do good, keep positive and run my course. But I am still in this strange maze which always leads me right back to 'being lost'.
I know I am unbalanced. And my priorities need to be re-evaluated. But I also know that living the life I have lived so far, it is difficult to understand, or even start to think about, the psychological frenzy that goes on in my head. To begin with, I have never really felt AT HOME anywhere. I have lived and seen SO many cities. Loved, lived and lusted in each of them but I have never really had anywhere I could really go home to. I have boxes of clothes, kitchenware, art, furniture in Australia, Bali, Hong Kong, Singapore but mostly memories and decorations that remind me of a certain time frame of my past. I have yet to own a place I can fill with 'trophies' of my excursions around the world and large hanging candles I plan to buy from Fremantle markets... And the reason I have not rooted myself is simply because I am still undecided.
So it is obvious to see you are whatever you focus on. I feel lost often, in my life, wondering if I'm going the right way. Worried if I've upset or hurt anyone along the way. But I am mainly lost because I am undecided. And once I put my foot down and claim what I deserve, all will fall into place. And I can plant my feet. And reach for the heavens.
Namaste.

Can I get a witness?

THIS IS WHY!!!

Countdown to Bloomday

It's an hour and a half away from my birthday and I am sitting in my room at the Langham Hotel reminiscing about this exact moment in time last year when I was in Bali.
I was in Parta's house, watching a movie..gosh I wish I could remember which one now but at this moment, I am watching "Lipstick Jungle" for the record. Parta was outside in his kitchen on his laptop and smoking shishah and we had no plans to leave the house. My party was planned for the 10th so I thought I'd rest up til then. A few people mentioned that I shouldn't wait and suggested I start partying at the stroke of midnight but I was feeling rather depressed from some unexpected news I had received days before and just wanted to be alone.
Well now I am alone, an hour away from the bewitching hour and stunned to be in this predicament. The same disappointed and lonely feeling. At least last year, in Parta's home, the sweet darling pulled the power at midnight. I came storming out of the living area, part pissed for being interrupted from the movie (damn which movie was it?), and part scared since it was pitch dark to see what had happened. And there he was, with a bday cake and some candles :) and the glow off his cheeky face was priceless. He sang a little birthday song for me and I was actually moved to tears. I did a little child-like wiggle and dance and grinned like a school girl while I blew the candles out. After a few pictures and thank you hugs, in my blue urban outfitters overalls, I went back on the couch and finished my movie. Feeling absolutely joyous and blessed to have God-sent Parta and suddenly totally aware of how absolutely lucky I was to be in Bali at that very second. To be laying in the Island of the Gods.
Today, I am in Hong Kong. My mind is on a different dimension and I am so confused, I feel like my brain is going to explode. I am running all these memories through my head and feel like a ton of bricks. I know I need to vent but I also need to let most of it go as none of it is within my control and I must let the Universe take it's course. I guess because it's going to be my birthday, it signifies another whole year gone by and time feels like it's running out. I guess my lesson this year is patience and BOY it's driving a hard lesson!
The last month has given me some insight on my past. Lessons I am reminded of and rules I have so carelessly broke. Toxic patterns that has brought me around uptown, downtown and to motown and then the same dead end. And I guess what makes it worst is most of the time, I knew. I was aware. It was almost premeditated. So here I am, contemplating over all ways I have sabotaged myself in this last year.
SO I thought "What better time than to document this head fuck?" Why not blog it and let someone else read how you sadly anticipated your birthday. After this whole hour, I would have gotten enough off my chest to welcome in the next 'digit label' year of the rest of my life.
But I shall not. Instead I will think of how lovely my tomorrow will be.
Tomorrow I am doing Anusara yoga to start off my day with one of the best teachers from Pure Yoga, Patrick Creeman. I have to swing by the agency after for a casting and then I feel like booking a massage, if not swing by an art exhibition in the convention centre.
Then Ren, Erika and I are having dinner at Azure in LKF hotel before my party at Dragon I, thrown and hosted by my sweet Tai Lo, GY!! I chose the theme "Pink Mao Mao returns to DI" so all the old school crew will be there to party it up like the good old times.
I will be radiant and well rested and celebrating life the best way I know how to.
All my dreams have yet to come true.
Happy Birthday to Me.
:)

Typhoon once again!

Yet another typhoon in Hong Kong. Yet another chance to snuggle indoors, stock up on the junk food and catch up on movies.
Unfortunately, all my typhoons in Hong Kong (and Taiwan-come to think of it), I have spent all alone.
In my dreams, I picture wild winds, heavy rains and flying billboards outside but me all tucked up in front of the TV, warm and dry, blissed out and content indoors. Curled up next to my partner, whispering sweet nothings and stealing lusty kisses while thanking our lucky stars we are not fighting the torrential rains outside.
The hard truth is, that has yet to happen. The truth is, fate has it that I have to deal with typhoons alone. Fate says "no romantic typhoons" for you Charm.
Even with your positivity and optimism, this is the one indulgence I cannot have just yet.
The universe kindly tells me that I am already lucky to be stranded in a hotel where the gym is one floor above me and room service is at my beck and call but my heart cannot luxuriate and my body cannot coddle in the warmth of another.
I use the saying "God is fair" often. I even believe it wholly. But God sometimes has a sick sense of humor. And although I trust that He has big plans for me, I often feel frustrated when my wishes are not granted.
As I write this, the winds outside increase suddenly and wind pounds angrily on my windows, as if a sign to say "why are you speaking this way?" ..."why can you not see the gifts I have already provided?".
I suddenly feel guilt. I feel like I ask for too much.
But all I ask for is Love. And companionship. And someone who will tell me that it's OK to want to share joy with another.
I do not think I am deprived because I have not given enough or not loved enough. Often, I am clueless as to why I am still in this lonely situation. Why I cannot divvy all I have in my heart with someone else, even though i am willing. Why am I always missing, wishing, craving, yearning?
Rain always makes me think. Always make me lonely. Reminds me of those days in Bali. Reminds me of Mary J. Blige's song "Rainy Dayz". Pains me.
Makes me want to run the streets, soaked and crying. Makes me question and doubt.
One the other hand, it makes me soft and thoughtful. Makes me go all romantic.
Makes me think of sweet kisses in the rain and romantic exclamations.
I am drunk. I have had one too many vodka sodas which i started as the typhoon signal was hoisted hours ago. As a rebellious act, to drown my sorrows.
What else are we suppose to do in a typhoon, alone? How else is there to feel better about being stuck indoors by yourself?
I am going to pour myself another one....right now.

Partying these days!

You know I have been in and out of the Hong Kong party scene for awhile now and I have seen many "party animals" come and go.
A lot of the posse have worn themselves out or started families and have fallen off the party wagon, some have chosen a healthier path and others have just left the country to go back to their hometown or pursue goals that Hong Kong cannot provide them.
One thing for sure though, times have changed.
When you fill clubs with so many young, immature, insecure people and feed them booze and drugs on a regular basis, you encourage bad behavior.
There is so much gossip and drama spreading around these days that it defeats the whole 'party' purpose.
Instead of the 'good old days' when everyone was out to have a good time. To dance, to spread some love and to add positive energy to the already pumping vibe.
Today, what one wears and which 'rich guys' table you sit at is far more important and noticed then how great fun you are or how lovely your carefree spirit is.
The nightlife in Hong Kong these days has turned into one giant "Night Club".
Russian girls gyrating around one table, Brazilians frolicking around another and sleazy, sweaty men cruising around, convinced their magnum bottles, boozy breath and lame pick up lines will land them a lay.
Going out is no longer about celebrating the weekend, or letting loose. It has become one big fake fashion parade garnished with vicious talk and petty judgment.
Gone are the days when you come home after a night out and feel pleased about meeting someone new and exciting or relieved you danced your worries away.
These days, you wake up the morning after worrying if you said something that someone could hold against you even if you said it while being highly intoxicated.
Before, there was an unspoken acceptance that whatever was done or said was all out of good fun and never repeated. Before, if anybody did have something bad to say about the party the night before, it was usually how early it ended and didn't give everyone enough time to celebrate together.
It makes me wonder how it got to this point. How it all changed so drastically.
Did we drop our standards and welcome in one too many party poopers? Or did we hand over our 'joyous' thrones to shallow nit pickers with big egos and superficial pockets?
Are we going to claim back our 'party purpose' and pass on the real tips of 'good times' or are we going to burn and bury it with our youth?
For those of us with already lovely party memories, it would be easy to say "Good Riddens" but for those of us who see our friends still on the circuit, walking toward that big black hole... for old school sake, shouldn't we say "Open your Eyes dude....watch where you're heading!"

Look Ahead!

Yes yes I know I went M.I.A.
Have not written or updated my blog in awhile now.
It was not due to lack of inspiration, fact is, it was quite the contrary.
I have been doing, practicing, praying, experiencing, living, loving, laughing, crying, partying, sleeping, working, sharing, smiling, traveling, focusing, adjusting, accepting, dealing, doubting, confronting and looking within.
I watched Cirque Du Soleil's Zaia last night at the Venetian in Macau and was awed by the performers and their discipline. Such control, strength and elegance. It reflected to me how the human body and spirit is so capable of accomplishing such magical feats with focus and dedication. Similar to how I felt after watching most of the Olympic games.
With such inspiration, I went into my asana practice today determined to push my body to greater limits and fully enjoy the work out.
I can feel a transformation coming around yet again.
I can feel a powerful force entering my life, challenging me to transcend toward a higher plain.
I can feel the universe presenting me with greater choices, elevated senses and blessed beings.
I only have to remain focused and embrace these gifts and remember to use them for the greater good of mankind.
I am also reminded how important proper rest and nourishment is for my temple and how my mind and spirit will only continue to expand if I invest correctly in all that is good for me.
SO now, at this very moment, I am going to be still and look inward.
Take a deep breath and go inside....
Ponder on my purpose and welcome my lessons.
For I truly believe that cheerfulness and optimism will always lead me down the right path.

Always look ahead... your whole self will follow naturally.