Emotional Vomit.

I just can't put my finger on it.
I am back to this same dead end. And I feel like shit.
Take another little piece of my heart. Really.
I'm that miserable, self-doubting lonesome self again. The one who counts minutes and jumps at the sound of an incoming text message. The one that starts questioning personal values and turns on innocent little habits. There is just so much fear.
And all I can think of is fight the fear, do what's right. And yet sometimes even that turns out to be too much. I have spun myself into this dark cocoon and I am so afraid as the light diminishes.
I am constantly questioning myself. Frightened that I am turning into someone I don't want to be. I have doubted my self worth so much that I am even unaware of bad things being done to me. I justify bad behavior unnecessarily for others.
And yet there are times when I tell myself I should have just shut up. There have been tons of times when my careless comments have hit one or two below the belt. But I've always been a very frank person and I believe straight-forwardness is unrated.
I am drawn to people who are quick-witted and bluntly humorous. Which also means they are mildly neurotic and incredibly free-spirited. They gypsy through life as I do and understand the concept that lifestyle is a state of mind.
Mind you, I have also been very attracted to the clean cut, nerdy, workaholic Daddy's Golden Child few, who I must admit was one of the 'types' that broke my heart a bit.
So I associate the "Business Men" to be Club Swinging, Russian kissing, White Shirt uniform party goers who only use their women for physical reasons and thrive on their own testosterone and Daddy's approval.

So there....I have vented. And yes I feel better. And maybe now I can go to sleep and dream of the tattoo exhibition I attended today.
Well...wait on that, I will blog that experience with pictures...real soon.

Namaste.