It's an hour and a half away from my birthday and I am sitting in my room at the Langham Hotel reminiscing about this exact moment in time last year when I was in Bali.
I was in Parta's house, watching a movie..gosh I wish I could remember which one now but at this moment, I am watching "Lipstick Jungle" for the record. Parta was outside in his kitchen on his laptop and smoking shishah and we had no plans to leave the house. My party was planned for the 10th so I thought I'd rest up til then. A few people mentioned that I shouldn't wait and suggested I start partying at the stroke of midnight but I was feeling rather depressed from some unexpected news I had received days before and just wanted to be alone.
Well now I am alone, an hour away from the bewitching hour and stunned to be in this predicament. The same disappointed and lonely feeling. At least last year, in Parta's home, the sweet darling pulled the power at midnight. I came storming out of the living area, part pissed for being interrupted from the movie (damn which movie was it?), and part scared since it was pitch dark to see what had happened. And there he was, with a bday cake and some candles :) and the glow off his cheeky face was priceless. He sang a little birthday song for me and I was actually moved to tears. I did a little child-like wiggle and dance and grinned like a school girl while I blew the candles out. After a few pictures and thank you hugs, in my blue urban outfitters overalls, I went back on the couch and finished my movie. Feeling absolutely joyous and blessed to have God-sent Parta and suddenly totally aware of how absolutely lucky I was to be in Bali at that very second. To be laying in the Island of the Gods.
Today, I am in Hong Kong. My mind is on a different dimension and I am so confused, I feel like my brain is going to explode. I am running all these memories through my head and feel like a ton of bricks. I know I need to vent but I also need to let most of it go as none of it is within my control and I must let the Universe take it's course. I guess because it's going to be my birthday, it signifies another whole year gone by and time feels like it's running out. I guess my lesson this year is patience and BOY it's driving a hard lesson!
The last month has given me some insight on my past. Lessons I am reminded of and rules I have so carelessly broke. Toxic patterns that has brought me around uptown, downtown and to motown and then the same dead end. And I guess what makes it worst is most of the time, I knew. I was aware. It was almost premeditated. So here I am, contemplating over all ways I have sabotaged myself in this last year.
SO I thought "What better time than to document this head fuck?" Why not blog it and let someone else read how you sadly anticipated your birthday. After this whole hour, I would have gotten enough off my chest to welcome in the next 'digit label' year of the rest of my life.
But I shall not. Instead I will think of how lovely my tomorrow will be.
Tomorrow I am doing Anusara yoga to start off my day with one of the best teachers from Pure Yoga, Patrick Creeman. I have to swing by the agency after for a casting and then I feel like booking a massage, if not swing by an art exhibition in the convention centre.
Then Ren, Erika and I are having dinner at Azure in LKF hotel before my party at Dragon I, thrown and hosted by my sweet Tai Lo, GY!! I chose the theme "Pink Mao Mao returns to DI" so all the old school crew will be there to party it up like the good old times.
I will be radiant and well rested and celebrating life the best way I know how to.
All my dreams have yet to come true.
Happy Birthday to Me.
:)
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Typhoon once again!
Yet another typhoon in Hong Kong. Yet another chance to snuggle indoors, stock up on the junk food and catch up on movies.
Unfortunately, all my typhoons in Hong Kong (and Taiwan-come to think of it), I have spent all alone.
In my dreams, I picture wild winds, heavy rains and flying billboards outside but me all tucked up in front of the TV, warm and dry, blissed out and content indoors. Curled up next to my partner, whispering sweet nothings and stealing lusty kisses while thanking our lucky stars we are not fighting the torrential rains outside.
The hard truth is, that has yet to happen. The truth is, fate has it that I have to deal with typhoons alone. Fate says "no romantic typhoons" for you Charm.
Even with your positivity and optimism, this is the one indulgence I cannot have just yet.
The universe kindly tells me that I am already lucky to be stranded in a hotel where the gym is one floor above me and room service is at my beck and call but my heart cannot luxuriate and my body cannot coddle in the warmth of another.
I use the saying "God is fair" often. I even believe it wholly. But God sometimes has a sick sense of humor. And although I trust that He has big plans for me, I often feel frustrated when my wishes are not granted.
As I write this, the winds outside increase suddenly and wind pounds angrily on my windows, as if a sign to say "why are you speaking this way?" ..."why can you not see the gifts I have already provided?".
I suddenly feel guilt. I feel like I ask for too much.
But all I ask for is Love. And companionship. And someone who will tell me that it's OK to want to share joy with another.
I do not think I am deprived because I have not given enough or not loved enough. Often, I am clueless as to why I am still in this lonely situation. Why I cannot divvy all I have in my heart with someone else, even though i am willing. Why am I always missing, wishing, craving, yearning?
Rain always makes me think. Always make me lonely. Reminds me of those days in Bali. Reminds me of Mary J. Blige's song "Rainy Dayz". Pains me.
Makes me want to run the streets, soaked and crying. Makes me question and doubt.
One the other hand, it makes me soft and thoughtful. Makes me go all romantic.
Makes me think of sweet kisses in the rain and romantic exclamations.
I am drunk. I have had one too many vodka sodas which i started as the typhoon signal was hoisted hours ago. As a rebellious act, to drown my sorrows.
What else are we suppose to do in a typhoon, alone? How else is there to feel better about being stuck indoors by yourself?
I am going to pour myself another one....right now.
Unfortunately, all my typhoons in Hong Kong (and Taiwan-come to think of it), I have spent all alone.
In my dreams, I picture wild winds, heavy rains and flying billboards outside but me all tucked up in front of the TV, warm and dry, blissed out and content indoors. Curled up next to my partner, whispering sweet nothings and stealing lusty kisses while thanking our lucky stars we are not fighting the torrential rains outside.
The hard truth is, that has yet to happen. The truth is, fate has it that I have to deal with typhoons alone. Fate says "no romantic typhoons" for you Charm.
Even with your positivity and optimism, this is the one indulgence I cannot have just yet.
The universe kindly tells me that I am already lucky to be stranded in a hotel where the gym is one floor above me and room service is at my beck and call but my heart cannot luxuriate and my body cannot coddle in the warmth of another.
I use the saying "God is fair" often. I even believe it wholly. But God sometimes has a sick sense of humor. And although I trust that He has big plans for me, I often feel frustrated when my wishes are not granted.
As I write this, the winds outside increase suddenly and wind pounds angrily on my windows, as if a sign to say "why are you speaking this way?" ..."why can you not see the gifts I have already provided?".
I suddenly feel guilt. I feel like I ask for too much.
But all I ask for is Love. And companionship. And someone who will tell me that it's OK to want to share joy with another.
I do not think I am deprived because I have not given enough or not loved enough. Often, I am clueless as to why I am still in this lonely situation. Why I cannot divvy all I have in my heart with someone else, even though i am willing. Why am I always missing, wishing, craving, yearning?
Rain always makes me think. Always make me lonely. Reminds me of those days in Bali. Reminds me of Mary J. Blige's song "Rainy Dayz". Pains me.
Makes me want to run the streets, soaked and crying. Makes me question and doubt.
One the other hand, it makes me soft and thoughtful. Makes me go all romantic.
Makes me think of sweet kisses in the rain and romantic exclamations.
I am drunk. I have had one too many vodka sodas which i started as the typhoon signal was hoisted hours ago. As a rebellious act, to drown my sorrows.
What else are we suppose to do in a typhoon, alone? How else is there to feel better about being stuck indoors by yourself?
I am going to pour myself another one....right now.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Partying these days!
You know I have been in and out of the Hong Kong party scene for awhile now and I have seen many "party animals" come and go.
A lot of the posse have worn themselves out or started families and have fallen off the party wagon, some have chosen a healthier path and others have just left the country to go back to their hometown or pursue goals that Hong Kong cannot provide them.
One thing for sure though, times have changed.
When you fill clubs with so many young, immature, insecure people and feed them booze and drugs on a regular basis, you encourage bad behavior.
There is so much gossip and drama spreading around these days that it defeats the whole 'party' purpose.
Instead of the 'good old days' when everyone was out to have a good time. To dance, to spread some love and to add positive energy to the already pumping vibe.
Today, what one wears and which 'rich guys' table you sit at is far more important and noticed then how great fun you are or how lovely your carefree spirit is.
The nightlife in Hong Kong these days has turned into one giant "Night Club".
Russian girls gyrating around one table, Brazilians frolicking around another and sleazy, sweaty men cruising around, convinced their magnum bottles, boozy breath and lame pick up lines will land them a lay.
Going out is no longer about celebrating the weekend, or letting loose. It has become one big fake fashion parade garnished with vicious talk and petty judgment.
Gone are the days when you come home after a night out and feel pleased about meeting someone new and exciting or relieved you danced your worries away.
These days, you wake up the morning after worrying if you said something that someone could hold against you even if you said it while being highly intoxicated.
Before, there was an unspoken acceptance that whatever was done or said was all out of good fun and never repeated. Before, if anybody did have something bad to say about the party the night before, it was usually how early it ended and didn't give everyone enough time to celebrate together.
It makes me wonder how it got to this point. How it all changed so drastically.
Did we drop our standards and welcome in one too many party poopers? Or did we hand over our 'joyous' thrones to shallow nit pickers with big egos and superficial pockets?
Are we going to claim back our 'party purpose' and pass on the real tips of 'good times' or are we going to burn and bury it with our youth?
For those of us with already lovely party memories, it would be easy to say "Good Riddens" but for those of us who see our friends still on the circuit, walking toward that big black hole... for old school sake, shouldn't we say "Open your Eyes dude....watch where you're heading!"
A lot of the posse have worn themselves out or started families and have fallen off the party wagon, some have chosen a healthier path and others have just left the country to go back to their hometown or pursue goals that Hong Kong cannot provide them.
One thing for sure though, times have changed.
When you fill clubs with so many young, immature, insecure people and feed them booze and drugs on a regular basis, you encourage bad behavior.
There is so much gossip and drama spreading around these days that it defeats the whole 'party' purpose.
Instead of the 'good old days' when everyone was out to have a good time. To dance, to spread some love and to add positive energy to the already pumping vibe.
Today, what one wears and which 'rich guys' table you sit at is far more important and noticed then how great fun you are or how lovely your carefree spirit is.
The nightlife in Hong Kong these days has turned into one giant "Night Club".
Russian girls gyrating around one table, Brazilians frolicking around another and sleazy, sweaty men cruising around, convinced their magnum bottles, boozy breath and lame pick up lines will land them a lay.
Going out is no longer about celebrating the weekend, or letting loose. It has become one big fake fashion parade garnished with vicious talk and petty judgment.
Gone are the days when you come home after a night out and feel pleased about meeting someone new and exciting or relieved you danced your worries away.
These days, you wake up the morning after worrying if you said something that someone could hold against you even if you said it while being highly intoxicated.
Before, there was an unspoken acceptance that whatever was done or said was all out of good fun and never repeated. Before, if anybody did have something bad to say about the party the night before, it was usually how early it ended and didn't give everyone enough time to celebrate together.
It makes me wonder how it got to this point. How it all changed so drastically.
Did we drop our standards and welcome in one too many party poopers? Or did we hand over our 'joyous' thrones to shallow nit pickers with big egos and superficial pockets?
Are we going to claim back our 'party purpose' and pass on the real tips of 'good times' or are we going to burn and bury it with our youth?
For those of us with already lovely party memories, it would be easy to say "Good Riddens" but for those of us who see our friends still on the circuit, walking toward that big black hole... for old school sake, shouldn't we say "Open your Eyes dude....watch where you're heading!"
Friday, September 5, 2008
Look Ahead!
Yes yes I know I went M.I.A.
Have not written or updated my blog in awhile now.
It was not due to lack of inspiration, fact is, it was quite the contrary.
I have been doing, practicing, praying, experiencing, living, loving, laughing, crying, partying, sleeping, working, sharing, smiling, traveling, focusing, adjusting, accepting, dealing, doubting, confronting and looking within.
I watched Cirque Du Soleil's Zaia last night at the Venetian in Macau and was awed by the performers and their discipline. Such control, strength and elegance. It reflected to me how the human body and spirit is so capable of accomplishing such magical feats with focus and dedication. Similar to how I felt after watching most of the Olympic games.
With such inspiration, I went into my asana practice today determined to push my body to greater limits and fully enjoy the work out.
I can feel a transformation coming around yet again.
I can feel a powerful force entering my life, challenging me to transcend toward a higher plain.
I can feel the universe presenting me with greater choices, elevated senses and blessed beings.
I only have to remain focused and embrace these gifts and remember to use them for the greater good of mankind.
I am also reminded how important proper rest and nourishment is for my temple and how my mind and spirit will only continue to expand if I invest correctly in all that is good for me.
SO now, at this very moment, I am going to be still and look inward.
Take a deep breath and go inside....
Ponder on my purpose and welcome my lessons.
For I truly believe that cheerfulness and optimism will always lead me down the right path.
Always look ahead... your whole self will follow naturally.
Have not written or updated my blog in awhile now.
It was not due to lack of inspiration, fact is, it was quite the contrary.
I have been doing, practicing, praying, experiencing, living, loving, laughing, crying, partying, sleeping, working, sharing, smiling, traveling, focusing, adjusting, accepting, dealing, doubting, confronting and looking within.
I watched Cirque Du Soleil's Zaia last night at the Venetian in Macau and was awed by the performers and their discipline. Such control, strength and elegance. It reflected to me how the human body and spirit is so capable of accomplishing such magical feats with focus and dedication. Similar to how I felt after watching most of the Olympic games.
With such inspiration, I went into my asana practice today determined to push my body to greater limits and fully enjoy the work out.
I can feel a transformation coming around yet again.
I can feel a powerful force entering my life, challenging me to transcend toward a higher plain.
I can feel the universe presenting me with greater choices, elevated senses and blessed beings.
I only have to remain focused and embrace these gifts and remember to use them for the greater good of mankind.
I am also reminded how important proper rest and nourishment is for my temple and how my mind and spirit will only continue to expand if I invest correctly in all that is good for me.
SO now, at this very moment, I am going to be still and look inward.
Take a deep breath and go inside....
Ponder on my purpose and welcome my lessons.
For I truly believe that cheerfulness and optimism will always lead me down the right path.
Always look ahead... your whole self will follow naturally.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Pandemonium
I think I've spun out of control.
My thoughts are all over the place. I have not prayed or meditated in ages. My asana today was weak and unfocused.
Aphrodite pandemonium is on the loose.
I have forgotten the truth in peace, the purity of moderation and the will to resist temptation.
It seems like I am having too much fun and thinking way too little.
I am not unhappy. Just unfocused.
And I know if I carry on, this carelessly, I will pay terribly for it.
It is not too late. I can right my wrongs, pull my thoughts and speech together and rise above it.
Coming out stronger and learning more of the lessons needed in this lifetime.
As much as I know I need to experience life and walk strange paths, I cannot lose sight of compassion and austerity.
I cannot forget to be truthful, less judgemental, more patient and steady in my progression.
I need to use my heart more and my mind, undoubtedly will follow.
I need to be strong and I need to share strength. I need to inspire in order to be inspired.
If I cannot handle all that's on my plate, I need to sort that out immediately. I need to prioritize and I need to focus.
I need to stay true to what I believe.
Love all, trust a few and do wrong to none.
My thoughts are all over the place. I have not prayed or meditated in ages. My asana today was weak and unfocused.
Aphrodite pandemonium is on the loose.
I have forgotten the truth in peace, the purity of moderation and the will to resist temptation.
It seems like I am having too much fun and thinking way too little.
I am not unhappy. Just unfocused.
And I know if I carry on, this carelessly, I will pay terribly for it.
It is not too late. I can right my wrongs, pull my thoughts and speech together and rise above it.
Coming out stronger and learning more of the lessons needed in this lifetime.
As much as I know I need to experience life and walk strange paths, I cannot lose sight of compassion and austerity.
I cannot forget to be truthful, less judgemental, more patient and steady in my progression.
I need to use my heart more and my mind, undoubtedly will follow.
I need to be strong and I need to share strength. I need to inspire in order to be inspired.
If I cannot handle all that's on my plate, I need to sort that out immediately. I need to prioritize and I need to focus.
I need to stay true to what I believe.
Love all, trust a few and do wrong to none.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
wow.
Wow...
It's funny the things you manifest.
Thoughts are just so powerful. When you open your eyes and your mind, the possibilities are endless. Cups start to overflow... little signs start showing even in the smallest of actions.
You have given me time to reflect. And I am not sure if it's simply because I see so much of myself in you.
You seem to notice even the smallest glint in my eyes and I see each curve of your smile.
We share mutual comfort yet we burn for each other. I respect your responsibilities and you somehow align mine.
I beat myself up sometimes, for falling into temptation so quickly. But you taught me that nothing needs to be perfect. That blessed lessons come from powerful mistakes.
And since we've met, I've felt a renewed sense of creative bliss.
The 'want' to put things together, beautifully.
That life CAN be just about now. That we are all put in each other's path for a reason.
You've inspired me to write again, and that is the ultimate gift.
It makes me feel like I am being true to myself and you make me feel like that's a lovely thing.
All in such a short span of time.
So I say Namaste Sweet One.
You are enlightening me.
It's funny the things you manifest.
Thoughts are just so powerful. When you open your eyes and your mind, the possibilities are endless. Cups start to overflow... little signs start showing even in the smallest of actions.
You have given me time to reflect. And I am not sure if it's simply because I see so much of myself in you.
You seem to notice even the smallest glint in my eyes and I see each curve of your smile.
We share mutual comfort yet we burn for each other. I respect your responsibilities and you somehow align mine.
I beat myself up sometimes, for falling into temptation so quickly. But you taught me that nothing needs to be perfect. That blessed lessons come from powerful mistakes.
And since we've met, I've felt a renewed sense of creative bliss.
The 'want' to put things together, beautifully.
That life CAN be just about now. That we are all put in each other's path for a reason.
You've inspired me to write again, and that is the ultimate gift.
It makes me feel like I am being true to myself and you make me feel like that's a lovely thing.
All in such a short span of time.
So I say Namaste Sweet One.
You are enlightening me.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Summertime Parties
I love summer in Hong Kong. Everyone's energy picks up, there are a few more smiles on the streets. Less judgmental stares if you wear shorts and just the occasional umbrella to poke you in the eye.
Weekends are filled with boat parties. Last week, a huge beach party was thrown. Beautiful cruises and yachts all docked around the bay and music filled the sunny skies. There were dinghys, jet skis, banana boats and floats for everyone to jump on. On each yacht, different concoctions of activities were unfolding. Card games started, people caught up in small intimate groups, beautiful models wearing close to nothing sprawled all over the boat, tanning. 5 cruisers anchored together, creating a centerpiece for the celebration and Dj's and their decks came out. Everyone had a drink in their hand, even the ones swimming in the water. Honorably holding out their glasses while trying to swim or climb onto a dinghy. Regardless of the insignificant sense of balance, everyone had a smile on their lips.
For sunset, a marquee was set up on the bay and the decks moved there... along with the sun seekers...or by now, I should say... drunken sunset chasers. Bodies pulsating all over the beach, grooving to the sexy music and enjoying the change of scene. The mood changes... everyone mellows out and suddenly there is a peacefulness that blankets everyone. It is sunset. My favorite time of day. Dusk. When day turns to night. The colors of the sky seem more beautiful than any other time of day and everything is so prettily lit...naturally. Nobody wants this day to end but we're already been blessed with much so we skull our drinks and jump back on the yachts we came in.
And as everyone peels off in their yachts, to head back to land to party some where else, or have dinner... silence once again creeps over this lovely island awaiting another summer inspired occasion.
Weekends are filled with boat parties. Last week, a huge beach party was thrown. Beautiful cruises and yachts all docked around the bay and music filled the sunny skies. There were dinghys, jet skis, banana boats and floats for everyone to jump on. On each yacht, different concoctions of activities were unfolding. Card games started, people caught up in small intimate groups, beautiful models wearing close to nothing sprawled all over the boat, tanning. 5 cruisers anchored together, creating a centerpiece for the celebration and Dj's and their decks came out. Everyone had a drink in their hand, even the ones swimming in the water. Honorably holding out their glasses while trying to swim or climb onto a dinghy. Regardless of the insignificant sense of balance, everyone had a smile on their lips.
For sunset, a marquee was set up on the bay and the decks moved there... along with the sun seekers...or by now, I should say... drunken sunset chasers. Bodies pulsating all over the beach, grooving to the sexy music and enjoying the change of scene. The mood changes... everyone mellows out and suddenly there is a peacefulness that blankets everyone. It is sunset. My favorite time of day. Dusk. When day turns to night. The colors of the sky seem more beautiful than any other time of day and everything is so prettily lit...naturally. Nobody wants this day to end but we're already been blessed with much so we skull our drinks and jump back on the yachts we came in.
And as everyone peels off in their yachts, to head back to land to party some where else, or have dinner... silence once again creeps over this lovely island awaiting another summer inspired occasion.
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